Eating For Two
by Fluehatraya
Summary: Poor Ed and misunderstandings. In which Ed is mistaken as pregnant due to a poor way of phrasing things.


**Disclaimer: I do not own FMA.**

Ed had a report due for Colonel Mustang at twelve o'clock in the afternoon sharp and, due to sleeping in, had been unable to grab a bite to eat. So it was a disheveled Fullmetal Alchemist that stood before his superior's desk, a slump screaming 'disrespectful punk' ruining his posture.

Things had started in a usual manner; Edward handed his report to Roy and called him a strong name in the process and the colonel skimmed through it, making sardonic comments and poking fun at his subordinate. However, unlike usual, the comments from the older man that would usually only result in screaming and an abused door instead elicited a much greater reaction, and the colonel's office was a terrible mess, its resident looking ruffled and taken aback.

"Fullmetal, explain yourself!" Roy demanded angrily, raising a gloved hand held in snapping position in front of his unruly subordinate's face to back him up. However, this threat had no effect on the young alchemist, merely earning him a scowl and grunt.

"Sorry Sir, I think Ed's just cranky because he didn't get anything to eat yet." Alphonse, who had been standing behind his brother the entire time (except when the smaller Elric had gone on his rampage), offered up meekly.

Roy blinked at the giant suit of armor a few times, and then slumped back into his chair with an exasperated sigh.

"Seriously Ed, throwing a tantrum just because you're angry? Alphonse, would you mind getting some food for your brother? I don't trust him out in public with his current attitude." The Flame Alchemist requested. Al nodded and hustled out of the room, revealing several curious subordinates leaning near the door as they heard a louder amount of noise than was average for Mustang's office.

Alphonse returned not too long later, opening his breastplate to reveal the cavity brimming with food items of all sort, spilling out onto Mustang's desk. Ed, who had slumped on the couch in the office, immediately perked up and hurried over, even pushing his superior out of the chair at the desk to take it for himself.

Roy picked himself off of the floor and dusted off the front of his uniform with his hands, glaring at the teenage alchemist with no manners. Edward, having already torn ravenously into the great pile of food, paid his superior no heed. 

Just then, the other members of the office entered the office, eyebrows raised at the great amount of food.

"Hey, you brought enough to share! Thanks!" Breda said to Alphonse cheerfully, and reached towards the bounty. Before Al could warn him however, Ed had already acted; actually biting Breda's outreaching hand as it came near his food. With a yelp Breda snatched his hand back, examining the deep indents left by Ed's merciless teeth incredulously.

"He bit me. _He bit me!_" The redhead shouted, clearly taken aback and appalled.

"You might want to get checked for rabies." Roy advised him in a serious tone, watching with disgust how much and so quickly his young subordinate ate. Already the golden-haired alchemist had eaten more than Roy could in one sitting, and continued with zeal to put any speed-eater to shame, showing no sign of slowing down.

Havoc sauntered over to stand at the desk across from Edward, hands held up and splayed to show the young man, who had started watching him warily as he approached, that he had no intention of taking his food.

"Why do you eat so much?" Havoc asked, truly curious. He had seen Edward's eating habits before, as had the rest of the office. At this inquiry, the others perked up and started listening attentively, not only apparently having nothing better to do with their time, but also truly curious. Even Hawkeye, who usually did not express interest in the personal affairs of others, could be seen anticipating the response.

However, the alchemist ignored the question in favor of focusing all of his attention on his food.

Undeterred, Havoc tried again, and again, constantly asking Ed. It was clear that Ed was becoming annoyed by the relentless asking that was starting to distract him, so finally he answered.

"I'm eating for two." The pipsqueak said offhandedly around a mouthful of food.

A cold silence fell upon the office, the people gathered shocked. They stared at Ed with wide-eyed, mouths parted and forgotten.

Ed noticed the awkward silence and the tension that was practically palpable in the air and soon realized what he had said sounded like. He snapped his head up to stare at the others, eyes round as coins.

"W-wait, I didn't mean, I can explain!" He stammered incoherently, waving his arms frantically at his peers and commanding officer.

Riza made the first move, picking her way around the desk as if the floor were made of thin ice and coming to stand beside Ed who remained sitting in the chair. She gently placed a hand in a comforting manner on one of Edward's shoulders, stooping down so that she could meet him eye-to-eye.

"It must be difficult. Who was the awful, awful person that dared do this to you? Don't worry, you can feel safe divulging this to me. Was it Roy? I know he has a thing for young blondes, and I would put it past him to go for a feminine looking boy such as you." She said in a soothing tone.

"HEY! I am not a pedophile!" Roy insisted loudly and with fervor as the eyes of all of his other subordinates turned to him, shock on their faces.

Ed's mouth opened and closed soundlessly for several antagonizing long moments, his brain seeming to have broken down.

Finally, it was Al who spoke up, rather hesitantly at that.

"Brother's not p-pregnant, and that's not even possible." He said, and if he had been capable of blushing, would have. Anything having to do with pregnancy, especially in a situation like this, was an awkward topic for a young boy, and only made worse by the fact that this was their brother they were talking about.

"But I thought he said-" Fuery started, his voice practically cracking.

"He is, but he's not pregnant."

"Oh, and care to explain to us how this could be then?" Riza asked, standing up and removing her hand from the shoulder she had placed it on, moving it to the back of the chair Ed sat on.

"Well, he's eating in my stead. Since my body can't eat, through our entwined souls Brother eats and sleeps for me also." The soul-bound armor explained, and his voice was soft and nervous.

The office released a collective sigh as things were cleared up, even though the whole entwined souls thing made no sense to them. All they knew was that the Fullmetal Alchemist was not pregnant and all was right in the world.

"Whoo! Let's throw an Edward's-not-pregnant party!" Havoc announced with a whoop, and the others agreed at once. They were glad that the situation was cleared up and desperately needing something to boost their spirits.

Poor Edward remained rigid in the chair, all of his wits scared straight out of him from the misconception.


End file.
